Entry 1 – Day 88 - January 13, 2022

Hi everyone, it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything here, I hope you’ve all been doing well and staying safe :D 

As for me, I wish this was a happy or fun post, but it’s totally not… Don’t let my profile blurb fool you, this series will be depressing, dark, and possibly kind of mental.  But with all that’s been going on, I’m hoping this will be good outlet and way to cope with how I’m feeling as even though outwardly I am moping a lot and it’s obvious (to my husband), it doesn’t compare to the struggle inside which is really much tougher to express (as I would sound really crazy), but what better place to put it out then on the internet, right?

I don’t know if anyone else will ever read this, but just in case someone else does happen upon this and is feeling the same way as me, I’d like to hope this will help them feel better in knowing they’re not alone.

Disclaimer:  Since this is the first entry, it will be kind of long, and more of a summary of what’s happened so far.  I’m hoping the future entries go into more detail as to what goes through my mind on a regular basis and how it’s affecting me.  So…let’s get started! 

 ---

About three months ago (October 2021), I injured my toe while working -- my first day back in over eight years to be exact.  After I quit (for another health reason), even after all these years, I missed that place and finally got the courage to ask for a job again. 

On the morning of my first day, as I was getting ready, everything seemed to be going perfectly.  I woke up on time around 6:30am, and as a night owl this was already a tall order.  I ate breakfast, and got my outdoor clothes on, looked at my fingernails to make sure they’re clipped (as I would use my hands a lot at work), I looked at my toenails just to check and thought “hmm…they look a bit long but still okay, I don’t think anything would happen” – my first mistake as I’d later realize.  But unsuspecting me just kept getting my stuff ready for going out, there was even a double rainbow, how perfect!  Yes, everything was perfect, until it wasn’t…..

Full disclosure, I was wearing five year old shoes, and I did feel pain in my feet as I was working, but I figured “of course it’s gonna hurt, I’ve been standing and walking for over 4 hours and my feet are just getting used to it again” – second mistake….

After work I did a little shopping for supplies (counting this as the third mistake).  While on the subway ride home, I could feel my left toe hurt in a weird way, but didn’t know what to make of it.  I didn’t realize the gravity of what happened until I got home… after removing my sock, I could see, the left top corner had ripped from the skin, and there was also dried blood along the whole left side. 

I quickly cut my toenails in hopes that it would help and prevent it from getting worse, including clipping the left corner off – although I’ve always heard we shouldn’t cut in that way.   And for the next few days it seemed like things were looking okay, but then the bruising started to appear :(  I forgot that it could day a while to show… My left toe definitely took the brunt of it, with almost the entire nail darkened underneath.  Thankfully the right side only came out with a small bruise.

I read on the internet that bruising can clear up on its own, so I kept watch for a couple of weeks to see if there’s any improvements, while still going to work since I was still able to walk around. 

At first it looked like the big bruise was clearing up, very slowing, draining from the right side of the nail.  The left side remained black.  But then another week passes and I couldn’t believe it, the bruising started to return… I tried my best to rest and not reinjure it, so I really don’t know why... why did it come back?...

At this point I decided to watch it again, since it started to resolve the first time, why not a second time?  (fourth mistake?).  I considered making a doctor’s appointment, but with Covid going on, I really didn’t want to risk seeing him unless needed (yes, I travelled on the subway and saw people at work, but I didn’t want to risk my doctor as he was on the older side).

 

My toe swelled and ached daily, but it seemed like nothing I couldn’t handle.  November quickly becomes December, and it’s at this time when I’m really wondering if I should make a doctor’s appointment since I couldn’t tell if things were getting better or not and my toe started paining in new ways that made working really tough.  It felt like my toe was on fire, mostly the top left corner. 

Eventually I got to thinking “maybe I should clip off the part that’s causing me pain”, and sure enough, in my desperation to help the pain, I did, so now there’s an even steeper angle and my nail looked even sadder :(  To make matters worse, I decided to try and clear out some more dried blood from under the nail by putting my foot in a container of water an running a toothpick along underside of the bloodied nail (gently, of course) – too many mistakes to count by now

To be honest, my toe felt great afterward :D … but that only lasted momentarily until my toe dried and I could feel the nail causing me pain in a new place because of the steep angle cut.  Dun, dun, dun… this was the beginning of Dark Days 2.0  (for anyone wondering, yes, there was a Dark Days 1.0, but only a select few know about that)

So I finally call to make a doctor’s appointment, but it turns out due to the increase in Covid cases, only phone appointments are available and I set one up for about a week later.  During the seven days until the appointment, although I was still going about my days like normal, going out, going to work, home chores, watching tv., etc.  My mind was in a dark, dark, place. 

 

I kept cycling through all the things that I could have done differently, all the reasons this could have happened (not like I wasn’t already doing this, but this was more intense and concentrated).  The only times of respite were when I was spending time with my husband, chatting with my sister and friends, and maybe playing video games though it wouldn’t hold for very long.  The pain would always bring me back to the reality of things:  I might have avoided all of this by just clipping my nails, or wearing different shoes.  Such simple actions, but by not taking them, has lead me down a path of pain (physically and mentally) with no clear end in sight. 

After talking with the doctor I felt a little better, he told me it would grow out eventually, but that if needed, I can set up an in-person appointment in the future.  Give it about 4-6 weeks.  He even laughed slightly when I asked if the corner of my toenail would grow back okay.  This made me feel some kind of assurance that maybe some of my worries weren’t necessary anymore. 

And so for a couple of weeks, the Dark Days subsided to just occasional thoughts here and there.  But of course, I wouldn’t be here now, if those thoughts stayed away. 

 

Objectively on the surface, I know it’s “just a bruised toe”, but to me, as someone who has a history of mobility related health issues, and as I literally just started back at my favourite job, I really don’t want to think this could be the way I have to exit so soon.  And did I mention, I’m a worry wart (though why I didn’t feel the need for caution many times over during this whole debacle beats me)

And I have yet to disclose the other “fun” company I had during this whole time… But I think that will have to be for my next entry as this one is already too long.

If anyone out there is reading this, thank you for getting this far, I’m hoping that eventually, whenever that may be, I will find the light and begin recovery to better days, and that you find yours too.