Entry 5 (conclusion) – Day: too many days to count – October 9, 2025

On Saturday August 30th, 2025, I took my last anti-depressant pill.  It was a very bittersweet moment.  I was really happy to not have to feel like I was dependent on medication to help me get through the day, yet slightly sad because it was comforting at times to think I had that little “help”.  I put “help” in quotations because after all this time, I’m still not sure whether the pills really did anything or if it was a placebo effect – at least for the last leg of it.  I do think it helped stabilize my emotions in the beginning.

I was debating quite a bit whether or not to write this but felt that if I didn’t then I would be deceiving not only myself, but everyone else who had taken the time to read my previous blogs.  So much had happened since then, it’s only right to conclude things properly.

The night after my 3rd entry on January 19th, 2022, things started to gown downhill again.  Yes, one day after going to see the doctor who told me “not to worry”. 

It was during my shower that I noticed a sharp pain on my left heel.  I thought it was just regular aches from walking around after so much bed rest, but no, that was not the case.  My heel was actually bleeding because of a crack on my sole near the heel.  The crack was about a centimeter wide.  This was the first time anything like this had happened.  I freaked out and got worried again.

I called the doctor’s office the next morning.  Thankfully he was available for a phone appointment pretty soon.  In his usual fashion he said there’s nothing to worry about, it was winter and dry cracking skin happens all the time.  He told me to use moisturizer. 

Just to note, I am not saying that he was dismissing my concerns, but he probably didn’t realize how unusual the bleeding crack was even though I did say something like that never happened before.

On that same night while eating dinner I told my husband “I don’t feel the same.  I feel different.  Something has changed inside me”.  I remember it plain as day because just before I said that I had a sinking feeling of disconnect that I’d never felt before.  Like all my energy and sense of self was beginning to wane.  Like all the cells in my body became “unstable”.  Not sure how to best describe such an unpleasant and foreign feeling.  

That was the beginning of the end and I wish I was exaggerating.

I did manage to write a 4th entry on February 9th, 2022, and at the time, I really wanted to believe I could “keep it together”, but I was sorely mistaken because after that, everything came crashing down and fast.

---

Truth be told, I actually began this entry about two weeks ago but kept getting stuck in the middle of listing the things that happened during that time.  So I decided to scrap that bit and focus on the healing instead. 

Though I will just say a lot of “bad luck” happened.  So much “bad luck” that I thought I was cursed.  Like, literally cursed by a person or a spirit haunting my place.  My husband thought I was being ridiculous, but eventually he saw that it wasn’t me being ridiculous, it was whatever kept popping up that was ridiculous. 

Anyway, here is a list of what and who helped me get through that crazy time:

-  My friends - They comforted and encouraged me throughout the whole time – thank you!

-  My sister – She tried to be understanding and analyze the situation(s) from an objective perspective so I don’t just obsess over things emotionally – thank you!

-  My family (the rest of them) – They cared about my physical well-being very much that I felt cared for – thank you!

-  My husband – He definitely was a hindrance to my mental state in the beginning, but at some point he became more supportive – thank you!

-  Phoning Crisis Lines – More than one on occasions – when I got a comforting voice and someone just listening to my woes, it helped a lot.  Some helpers are definitely better than others, so keep phoning around if you need to!

-  Urgent Care Clinic – Decided it was time to get help medically and emotionally.  Got assigned a temporary psychiatrist and mental health counselor through a hospital ER referral service.  Saying they helped a lot is an understatement.

-  Thinking “Dog Happy!” is what I should strive for if nothing else is working – Dogs are easily excitable and seem joyous over the littlest things and I wanted to be able to do that too.  At that time, feeling joyous at all was challenging.

-  Playing cute and simple app games – The cute imagery helped calm the nerves and made me feel okay.

-  Playing co-op games with either my husband or my sister – The active interaction with the game and another person helped ease the worries at least for a time.

And finally…

-  Allowed myself to laugh without guilt – I watched a funny Youtube vid and genuinely laughed for the first time in ages – that was the beginning of things finally looking brighter and possible again.

--- 

There was still much healing needed afterward (physically, emotionally, and mentally); even with “turning of the tides”, but at least they were small steps in the right direction.

Anyway, before I start rambling again, I’ll get right on it – I made it – This is my testament to say: 

 

“I made it”

 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.  I know this was long and quite rambly so thank you again.  I can only hope that my journey can inspire those who are also feeling lost and trying to find their way out of the abyss.  The journey may be long and difficult, but it is possible.

Final (and hopefully profound) words:  The longer you're in the dark the harder it is to find the light, but it is there.  You just have to reach for it, and let it reach back!