Entry 3 – Day 94 – January 19, 2022

Yesterday I had an in-person doctor’s appointment.  Good news: the toenail and bruise will grow out in time (a very long time), though he did say I cut the corner too short so it’ll be painful there.  I’m hoping eventually as the nail grows out that I’ll feel less pain as it is a constant reminder of what I shouldn’t have done, but well, what can I do now but wait and see.

Bad news:  I’d been stressing so much about my toe and all the “what ifs”, and “why didn’t I?”, that I inadvertently caused burning pain to well up in my abs and right side (even my back started hurting today).  This was because my stomach acid’s PH levels became out of whack and started causing havoc to my stomach lining, and small intestines.  All the while I thought that was just a jittering physical reaction to my welling of overwhelming feelings of sadness and deep depression.  I even had insomnia because of the pain and intruding thoughts, and as the days passed I got less and less sleep (about 3-4 hours total in three days).  I knew I couldn’t go on like that… 

Thankfully the doctor also checked that out and prescribed some anti-acids, but he said the most important thing was for me to de-stress and worry less.  Easier said than done of course, but I must try for the sake of all I love and for the sake of myself.

I know it all seems very overdramatic, but truly, I really felt like all hope was lost, especially with the Covid situation looking so dire, I was afraid that if I needed to see a specialist, that it’d be forever, if ever, when one would be available.  I got all caught up in my head that I was literally worrying myself sick :(  I didn’t realize this could ever happen to me as I’m usually very resilient to high stress, but I guess there’s just so much doom and dread one person can handle.  Not only that, there was a big snowstorm the day before my doctor’s appointment, and that put my appointment in peril as there was no guarantee the doctor would be able to make it if the snow didn’t stop in time or the roadways weren’t shovelled. 

It felt like all my past decisions were coming back to haunt me as there is a doctor’s clinic across the street but I didn’t want to sign-up because I trust my current doctor and feel very comfortable when talking to him, and from experience, that is something I don’t want to let go of just for convenience.  But now, the clinic isn’t accepting new patients at the moment because of overwhelming requests.  With the pain in my toe and the snowstorm, I just kept thinking “Why didn’t I just sign up when I had the chance?”, “I got my husband to do it, why didn’t I?” (reason being, my husband didn’t have a doctor he regularly went to). 

With all that’s been said and done, although I feel better after seeing the doctor, there’s still some worry in me about how well the nail will grow back, especially with the way I cut it.  But I know that if I start ruminating about that, I don’t think any amount of medicine will be able to help…