Entry 2 – Day 89 - January 14, 2022

For this Entry, I’ll go into more detail about what the Dark Days are, and where my “other” company comes into play, as I didn’t elaborate much in Entry 1.

Now, where to start… First off, I like to believe that whenever something happens, whether good or bad (especially, when it’s bad), that there’s a reason.  Not just a simple, “Oh, it’s because you forgot X” or “You didn’t do Y”.  I’d like to believe there’s more to it than that, and even though the reason may not be apparent any time soon, it would eventually reveal itself, and then all the strife endured was not for nothing.  At least, that's what I hope and that’s what gets me through the day, but sometimes the situation just gets too overwhelming, and thoughts of regret start flooding in…Hello, Dark Days!

During the Dark Days, nothing, and I mean nothing, can get me out of my mental rut of depressing thoughts, and cycling of “whys”.  In this case, “Why didn’t I clip my toenails?!”, “Why didn’t I buy new shoes?”, “Why didn’t I just rest more after the injury?”.  Of course, I have reasonable answers of “Well, the toenails seemed okay.”, “I’d been wearing these shoes for over five years, they’re comfy”, and “The bruising was getting better so I didn’t need rest”.  But even logic can’t me passed the grief and follow up thoughts of “Things would be different now, if only…”. 

I’d pretty much just lie in bed ruminating, or sit in a chair ruminating, and whenever my husband was playing a video game and a character dies, I’d think “Oh, well, at least their pain is over….”.  Yeah, really depressing, I know, but that’s just how I felt.  Sometimes the thought that, at any moment, I could potentially pass away, either from natural causes, or an accident while walking around outside, actually eased my pains just enough to get me through.  And of course, the thought of my loved ones and friends also get me through the days, but the dark thoughts always fight to stay on top, and most of the time, they win. 

But fortunately (maybe unfortunately?), there’s still one more line of defense: the other voices in my head.  In the darkest of times, when all hope seems lost, a voice pops up and reassures me that things will be okay -- that I’m strong, and can get through it.  This time, the voices were still reassuring, but much more cryptic. 

The first one popped up around beginning of December, and just kept telling me to “Wait until January”, “Things will be better in January”.  I tried my best to get through the days, but even so, I would start to doubt and revert back into depressing thoughts.  Eventually it started saying “Just trust us”.  I’m like, “Why ‘Us’?”, “Who’s ‘Us’?”.  At first, they wouldn’t answer me, but then turns out it’s a set of twins as the voices.  Yeah… 

They were getting frustrated that I couldn’t just “Trust them”.  I mean, of course, things weren’t looking any better, how would I trust them?  And as of today, it is January, and my toenail is still bruised and it still hurts a lot, maybe even more than before.  So maybe those voices were just deceiving me?  But one thing they got right, at the beginning of January, because of Covid restrictions coming back into play, my employer told me that until further notice, I won’t be needed back.  And although I’m very saddened for my employer and hope things will return to normal eventually, I’m very thankful for the extra resting time.  I really want to get back with my full strength, and not have to leave due to medical reasons :(

And if you think “The Twins”, was weird enough, my toe even started talking to me and trying to reassure me also that things will be okay.  Sometimes even speaking in Japanese -- simple phrases like “daijoubu” which translates to “it’s fine”.  I mean, sure, I’m hoping my toe is fine and will heal eventually too, but a “talking toe”, this is another level, and makes me wonder, am I okay in the mind? 

I know these are just my coping mechanisms, but it feels strange, even for me, and I like talking to voices in my head (usually “the universe”, or “God”).  These voices seem to really have personalities of their own…

I think that pretty much sums everything up to this point, the future entries will be more spaced out as I do want to try focusing on other things, but I’ll come back to update regularly (hoping to at least).

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Disclaimer:  No matter how dire the situation becomes, I never intend to ever take my own life.  I will endure, and make it through somehow.  I have many reasons to live, and I’m not going to end it because of one.  

If you or someone you know may be going through dark times, please reach out and talk to someone.  There is support in many forms.