Entry 4 – Day 113 – February 9, 2022

Even after all this time, after the doctor said I have nothing to worry about, I still worry a lot.  From an above view my toenail looks okay, but from a side view, it’s puffy and raised at the base :(  And as the days go by, I feel more pains.  Will it really be okay?

I went to see another doctor for a second opinion, and although he also said it should be okay, he didn’t sound as optimistic as the first.  I asked for a referral to a foot specialist just to get an “expert’s opinion”, but even after a week, they haven’t called me.  I feel so disappointed and saddened.  Sure, on the surface, it’s a bruised toenail, but I have other pains that I wanted to ask about too.  And despite what others say, I still believe it’s more than just my toe now, I think there’s something wrong inside that’s affecting or had affected my skin so that it’s not keeping its moisture, and not sweating like before (unless it’s really just old age, but I don’t think so).  I’m hoping eventually things will feel normal again when enough time has passed.

Many days I have thoughts of just wanting to be “taken out” so I don’t have to feel this way anymore, but there’s still a part of me that wants to keep living and see what the future brings.  The “if onlys” really become daunting and overwhelming at times…

My husband doesn’t understand at all, this isn’t just a physical problem anymore; it’s a psychological one too.  I literally had everything I wanted.  Through my own actions, I finally got back the job I loved that was perfect for me, finally decided to face my long-term dread of taking the subways (due to another health related issue), and was the happiest I’ve been in a long time.  And then, all to be taken away by my own actions, and such simple actions at that… how do I get passed this? 

My husband stands firm that’s it’s not my fault (and I’m grateful for that), but I’m the one who messed with my toenail.  Whether or not I had good intentions, I was the one who did it.  And even though it’s not 100% certain that things wouldn’t have taken the same course, I still feel things would be different now.

At this point, the only things getting me through the days are thoughts of my husband, my sister, and my friends.  I also watch videos online and play video games, but they can only hold me for so long before my mind wanders again. 

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